So I'll go far into the distance

Even if I steal it and manage to grasp it,

If it isn't you, then what's the point?

Why can't I just...be me? Be happy? Why do I always have to be what everyone else wants me to be?

Well, I don't know. It's changing. Slowly, that's changing. I used to be completely school-oriented. Any fun was had on weekends, and was rarely if ever planned. Now I'm going out of my way to spend two or three hours per weekend with the people I like, and as bad as I feel making my parents or whoever cart me around all the time...it's worth it. The Den to me is a release. It's a sacred place where school and stress essentially don't exist. I mean, sure, I can think about stuff, and people may be depressed or whatever, but for the most part it's just...fun. A lot of fun.

Of course, I always get so depressed when I come home in the evenings. The Den always feels so much like home. I mean, think about today: I spent almost the entire time being fussed over, did none of the things I really go there to do, and overall should have had a horrible time, yet this was one of the best weekends yet. Of course, I think that may be because Geo went so far out of his way to talk to me the entire time. I'm really beginning to think I like him. And not in a hormonal way, either - sure he's cute and all, but not that cute. I'm impressed by his strength and everything, of course, but that's not what attracts me. It's his personality, the way he talks and acts and thinks. He worked so hard and graduated three years early, out of a home-school program, yet he didn't want to start college immediately; he's still waiting. He's devoting his time to earning money and, in Mary's words, living. That guy's done more in the last few years than I'll probably do in a lifetime. It's...enough to make me rethink my life. There are things I want to do, things I wish I had or hadn't done. There are things I want to avoid. There are words I want to say, letters I want so badly to write, people I want to embrace and thank. But I can't do that. My future is pretty much laid down in front of me, and all I can do is follow it. I have no room for romance, no room for all this useless fun. And yet...I can't just give it up. I can't just give him up. I can't. Of course, I know that he doesn't like me like that, and even if he did it wouldn't matter, because he's two years older than me and my parents would never allow me to date a guy like him. Not that he would want to anyway. He had a girlfriend; they broke up over eight months ago, and he still isn't over it. Just last weekend she asked him if they could get back together and he was broken to pieces for a few days. He still wants her back, but he's afraid... I almost wish they would hook back up. It would make things easier for me. Right now I'm smack in the middle of that painful stage where you know you want to flirt, and you know you probably are, but you know you can't. All you can do is be friendly and keep those thoughts pushed to the farthest back corner of your mind.

Of course, it doesn't help that Genieva knows. How could she not? How could anyone who paid any attention not? It's not like we're ever apart for long, unless he's gone to the store or I'm listening to Itachi or something. We just...gravitate towards each other. And I know that she at least knows, because she had that damned dream. And like I may or may not have mentioned, she's not the most observant person around...if she knows, so does everyone else.

Please the deities I won't have those dreams.

Jaa, mata.