I hate being like this. I feel as if I'm choked up inside, as if I can neither say nor write what I feel, as if what I speak is all false and what I write is inadequate, as if I am incapable of speaking truth nor yet telling lies. I look at the world around me, and I am frightened. I look inside, at myself, and I am cowed. I look to my friends, and I am empty.

I am a lie.

I just want to understand. Is that so much? Does it defy the laws of nature for me to have a glimpse into my own inner workings?