I don't know what to title this.

I don't want this. I don't want this room, I don't want this house, I don't want this fan or this window or this breeze or this life. I want the computer, because it is the only mode of expression I have left - if I write things by hand, they disappear, and I can't talk without my family listening in. And this isn't their business. At least not yet.

To start with, I don't want to go to college. I mean that on several levels. Primarily, I don't want to go to UT. I could learn to like the city easily enough - or rather, the surrounding countryside - and I could fall in love with the campus, given time. Even the people. It's the school itself that I don't want to be a part of. And I don't know why. I don't have a direction yet, and I know that if I just pick a place to start I'll end up hating it, so I'm paralyzed. I can't find a way to reconcile myself to this. A series of near-accidents has basically pushed me into this, but the closer I get to it, the more I realize - it's not at all what I want. It's what the people around me want. And while that's usually enough for me...this time it's not.

I don't want to move away from my family. I'm not ready for that, mentally or financially. But at the same time, I can't stay here. There's just not enough room in the house, for one thing. For another, I feel...stifled. Not through any action of theirs; I just do. It's as though there's always someone peering over my shoulder or waiting for me to twitch. The longer I sit here, the more I realize: I've always sought escape through imagination. Books first, then music, then writing, then movies, and now a combination of them all. Anything to make me forget the world around me - so long as it didn't clog my brain. I've never touched drugs or alcohol and that is one of the very few things in my life I'm actually proud of. But in the past few weeks, I've gone beyond the occasional escape - I've gone out of my way to find these releases. I've bought new books and barricaded myself in with the old ones. I've rented and borrowed movies, something I never do. I spend all day reading, all evening watching DVDs, all night reliving my own versions of what I've taken in and in the morning after a short and generally silent breakfast I repeat the cycle. Escapism? I wrote the book.

I want to fall apart. I want to "forget" to eat, to go sleepless for a week, to ignore all common sense and take ten-mile walks at midnight. I want to wander the downtown streets alone. I want to drive my car to the beach and leave it there, set off in one direction and see how far I get by nightfall. And then I want to curl up with a cloak and stay, so that in dawn I can set off again. I want to know where my road leads. But the sister-senses of responsibility and self-control that I've spent so many years developing won't let me. My brain wants to rebel, but my body won't let me. I literally can't step through the door after dark with the intention of walking away from the house. Mind over matter? Bullshit.

I want to smash open my skull, pull out my brain, throw it on a table and dissect it. I want to download all of its files into iTunes and set up Smart Playlists. I want to View Details and Hidden Folders.

I want to tell Eric that I like him. I want to do that without lying, and without the fear that I'm lying. I want to know what I feel for his cousin. I want to scream at her and tell her she's an idiot, and in the next breath I want to fall in step alongside her. Hell, I'd settle for carrying her bags. I want to take Turtle by the shoulders and shake sense into her. I want to pull Shindo and Spaz out of their respective abodes and send them off, alone, together, while the rest of their world comes to grips with itself. I want to take all of the written and unwritten laws about relationships and burn them.

I want to add more, but at the moment I can't think clearly enough to string together more than five words at a stretch.

I want to run away. The closest I'm going to get, for now at least, is sleep.

Hugs, sweet dreams, and I'm missing you.

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Theres something that i cant quite explain
i'm so in love with you
you'll never take that away

and if i said a hundred times before
expect a thousand more
you never take that away

well expect me to be
calling you to see
if you're ok when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make a smile

well i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleepin are you dreamin and
if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me

i thought that the world had lost its sway
(its so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away
(its not so difficult, the world is not so difficult)
you take away the old
show me the new
and i feel like i can fly
when i stand next to you
so what if I'm on this phone
a hundred miles from home
i take the words you gave
and send them back to you

i only want to see
if you're ok when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make a smile

i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleepin are you dreamin and
if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me

well i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleepin are you dreamin and
if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me

i will keep calling you to see
if you're sleepin are you dreamin and
if you're dreamin are you dreamin of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me

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Music of the Night (Revamped)

1. Prologue
   Introduce Ayame and Shigure. Ayame has bought the Phantom's belongings (probably through an online auction) and reveals them to Shigure.
   
2. Overture
   Introduce Akito and the Opera House. Akito is bringing his brother Shigure to act as a patron for the House.
   
3. Rehearsal
   Give an idea of what the Opera House is like "behind the scenes". Introduce ____________, the former owner, and _____________ and __________, the new owners. Their conversation is interrupted by the prima donna introducing herself by way of song. The resident cat Amadeus goes into a frenzy and tries to destroy everything onstage, including ______________'s face. She throws a fit and claims that she will NOT sing that evening, leaving the new owners to either find a replacement or refund a full house. (Exasperated, Akito leaves, taking Shigure with him.)
   Think of Me
   After hours of searching, _____________ and ____________ have decided that there simply isn't a woman available who can take the prima donna's place. They despair. Then Ayame, the House's primary costume designer, shows up to inform one of the leads that their costume is ready. When he hears that _____________ has more-or-less quit, he sings a happy song and does a little dance, and the new owners are absolutely floored. It turns out that Aaya has a very good voice, can dance, and (because he does most of his designing while watching early rehearsals) knows most of the important roles by heart, including the prima donna's.
   The opera goes off without a hitch. Aaya performs beyond the highest expectations, and his breathtaking debut does not go unnoticed: taking his ease in Box Five, a certain patron recognizes the lead and vows to meet him. The show ends. Shigure leaves. A tall, slim figure steps out of the shadows, contemplates the stage, and then murmurs "Ayame" before disappearing down the hall. Silence reigns. From the far corner, there is a quiet moan, and Hatori grumbles about having to share his private box with not one but two interlopers. He reflects on the new singer, wondering who it is, and says, "Bravi, bravi, bravissimi." After a bit of stretching, he opens a secret passageway and leaves. Finally the box is empty.
   
4. Angel of Music
   After the show, Ayame is all but attacked by a jubilant Ritsu. Ritsu is a chorus singer with an interest in costume design, and while the two are not closest friends, they have spent much time together; Ritsu demands to know where Ayame has learned his art. Singing, that is. Ayame explains that he doesn't actually have a teacher, just a memory: His father once told him of an Angel, and Aaya thinks that this being has been helping him with both his design and with singing. Being Aaya, he then proceeds to directly address this Angel - and then sees the prima donna, and says, "It frightens me!" Ritsu attempts to calm the designer down, but fails miserably; he throws his hands in the air, laughs, and leaves.
   
5. Little Lotte
   Shigure catches up to Ayame just after Ritsu's departure, and sings the first line or two to a song they learned together years previously. Aaya recognizes it immediately, spins, and bestows upon Shigure a particularly lavish welcome, including but not limited to a very suggestive embrace and the repetition of phrases like "my love". Just as Shigure regains his feet and gets ready to ask how Aaya has been, the new-discovered singer stops abruptly, holds him at arm's length, and demands to know if Shigure has been cheating on him - to which the patron replies, "Of course not!" and things of that nature. Shigure has to go tell his brother not to wait, and Aaya claims he wants to slip into something more comfortable (which earns him raised eyebrows from the other performers in the hall), so the two separate.
   The Mirror (Angel of Music)
   Aaya makes his way to his room and changes back into street clothes (or as close as he ever comes). While standing in front of his mirror making sure no vestiges of his stage make-up remain, he hears a voice coming from seemingly nowhere. The voice does not sound happy, at all. Still hyper from his previous conversations, Aaya replies to the voice - knowing full well that it can't hear him. After a pause, the voice continues, in a slightly different (more friendly) tone. It mentions a mirror, so Aaya faces that and replies again. Another pause. The voice is now almost chanting. Shigure has returned and stationed himself outside the door; he hears the two "conversing" and demands to know who Aaya is speaking to. In the meantime, Ayame has realized that his full-length mirror isn't sitting in quite its normal position. It's crooked. In trying to straighten the thing, he discovers a secret passageway in the wall, and he walks in. The mirror-door swings closed behind him.
   
6. The Phantom of the Opera
   As he walks, Aaya remembers the second part of the song his father taught - the part that neither he nor Shigure cared for, because it wasn't as happy. And, it didn't involve fluffy things. He can't remember all of it perfectly, so he tries to sing it, hoping that will help him remember. To his surprise, as he reaches the end, another voice starts up. It is an absolutely enchanting voice, soft and warm. Aaya follows this voice as it continues singing, and winds up in a dank, dark chamber, seemingly empty. A tall, slim man emerges from the shadows and orders Ayame to sing. He does. Just as Ayame finishes the man attacks him, stunning him with a few swift blows and then binding the designer's wrists and ankles. Aaya struggles, but to no avail. The man smirks, and slowly peels off his own shirt. Ayame shrieks. The man hisses and quickly uses a strip from the bottom of the shirt to gag the designer, but just as he finishes, a second tall, slim man bursts out of the shadows and challenges him. The first man undoes the gag and uses the shirt as a rope instead, cutting off Ayame's air supply; the second man can do nothing without endangering the designer, but the first can't go anywhere so long as the second stands between him and the doorway. The first man releases his grip on Ayame's throat long enough to pull a knife from his belt and wave it at the second man. At this point the second man leaps to the attack, and quickly disarms the first; however, Ayame (weakened from being nearly strangled) collapses and loses consciousness.
   
7. The Music of the Night
   Ayame wakes slowly to find himself in a lavishly decorated (and very comfortable) room. The door is slightly ajar, and he can hear a piano being played somewhere outside. A familiar voice begins to sing. He realizes that it is the voice he so often heard in his room - not the heavenly voice of the attacker, but the angry one from behind the mirror. Quietly, Ayame opens the door and walks out into a spacious chamber. There he finds a tall, slim man seated at a piano, playing and singing from what appears to be a handwritten score. Suddenly the man stops playing. He mumbles to himself, grabs a pen and a heavily scribbled-upon piece of paper from the top of the piano, and scratches something on it. Then he starts the verse over and continues through the end of the song. When he reaches up to flip the score over, Ayame applauds. The man jumps and spins, and it is only then that Ayame realizes he is wearing a mask over his face.
   
8. I Remember
   The masked man wishes Aaya a good morning and asks him if he feels all right; he explains that he was unonscious for some time, and slept the night through. Aaya says that he doesn't remember much - mist, a lake, candles, a boat, a man, but no real details. He asks who he is, but the man doesn't respond. Aaya thanks him for saving him, and asks who the other man was. "A demon. He calls himself the Opera Ghost. You'd do well to stay away from him."
   Stranger than you Dreamt It
   The masked man offers breakfast, and Ayame, starving, accepts. The man turns out to be quite friendly, but quiet; Ayame does most of the talking. The man gives no information about himself, until Ayame asks if that was him he heard singing about the Angel of Music, and the man replies yes. He explains that it is part of an opera he is writing - as is the song he was working on earlier. Aaya asks if he will play another song, and the man says there is only one more and that incomplete, but Ayame says that's fine. The man pulls out another piece of short-hand music and starts to play. While leaning over the man's shoulder to read the music, Ayame inadvertently knocks off the mask, revealing a face hideously mauled and hardly healed. The man erupts in anger, but his fury spends itself quickly, and he ends with shaking pleas to one "Christine". Finally he collects himself, apologizes, and says that he should take Ayame back up.
   
9. Magical Lasso
   On the surface, Shigure is frantic. He has had the door to Ayame's room unlocked, but found nothing; he has complained to the new owners, but they are swamped with duties and have no time to devote to his concern. Dejected, Shigure wanders aimlessly. In the living areas of the House he finds an elderly stagehand demonstrating the uses of a lasso to the dancing girls and scaring them with stories of a ghost living in the House. Alerted by the girls' delighted shrieks, the dancing instructor arrives and tells the man off. Shigure stops and thinks, wondering if this "phantom of the opera" could be the explanation for Ayame's disappearance. He tries to follow the man, but quickly loses him. Now at a loss Shigure heads home. Akito is leaving just as Shigure arrives; he says the mail is on the table, and departs.
   
10. Notes
    _______________ is sitting in his office chuckling over how each disaster only seems to be bringing more public attention when his partner bursts in. The two enter a spirited argument, when there is a knock on the door. It is a stagehand delivering the morning post. Each recieves an impolite note signed "O.G." - Opera Ghost - and they have just turned their energies towards insulting this individual when there is another knock. This time, it's Shigure, waving a third letter and demanding to see Ayame. They read his letter (signed "The Phantom of the Opera") and stare at each other in confusion. About that time, the prima donna barges in. She flourishes yet another note and accuses everyone in sight of conspiring against her. Her note, too, is from the Opera Ghost. Before the inevitable argument can get under way, Ritsu and the dance instructor arrive, bearing (a) news that Ayame has returned and is well, and (b) a fifth unpleasant note.
    Prima Donna
    The prima donna throws a fit and begins to spout off what sounds like insults in a foreign language. The owners try to calm her and insist that her role will not be taken over by "the dressmaker". Shigure holds a rapid conversation with Ritsu on the subject of this "Angel of Music" and "Opera Ghost", and they decide that whether or not this person exists, Ayame must be protected.
    
11. New Segment
    Shigure hurries to Ayame's room. The designer welcomes him in. When Shigure demands to know where he's been, Ayame explains everything that happened the previous evening. Shigure seems skeptical, so Aaya offers to introduce the two. He claims that "the Angel" agreed to bring him down for dinner that very evening, and probably wouldn't mind an extra guest. Shigure is not pleased but realizes that if he goes at least Ayame will be safe. In the meantime, he suggests a walk outdoors. Ayame agrees. Once they are well away from the Opera House Shigure expresses his concerns about the nature of the "Phantom of the Opera". As they exit the park, a cloaked and hooded figure follows at a distance. The pair returns to the Opera House at dusk and settle down in Ayame's room to wait for the Angel, but to no avail - he doesn't show.
    This is because he is tightly bound in an abandoned storeroom, hidden between and secured to props that haven't been used in years. He is not gagged, simply because he is too far away from the inhabited areas of the Opera House to be heard no matter how loudly he shouts. In trying to wriggle free of his ropes, he knocks over several props, all of which are heavy. The bad news: In addition to being captured and helpless, he is now buried under a mountain of forgotten junk, and has a broken arm. The good news: One of the props was made of glass, and he can use the shards and his remaining good hand to cut himself free. He makes his way up to the stage and waits for the other man to make his move. When a sneaking hand replaces the prima donna's mouthspray with an identical bottle, the Angel steals the bottle and tastes a drop; instant nausea tells him that it has been filled with poison. A frantic search reveals another perfume bottle that is similar to the original. He manages to put the perfume in place just before the tray is taken out to the staging area. Thinking his task is completed, he retreats to the shadows above the stage - not his favorite place by far, but Box Five is taken, he wants to see Ayame perform again, and he desperately needs to lie down. Pain and exhaustion quickly send him into a restless doze.
    Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh
    Considerably later, he wakes and realizes that he is not alone: His adversary has also chosen to lurk in the catwalks. Unfortunately he realizes this just as said adversary runs a noose around his neck. Rather than killing him instantly, though, the man ties the other end of the rope to the rafter, leaving just enough play so that the Angel can breathe - so long as he keeps his head perfectly still. There is not enough slack for him to pull out his head, and the man uses a second length of rope to bind his wrists again. The man tightens the noose slightly, so that breathing becomes difficult, and wrenches the Angel's broken arm before disappearing. Helpless, the Angel can only watch as the show continues.
    Because the poison was replaced the prima donna does not drop dead. However, the perfume makes her voice crack, and the adversary brings his ventriloquist skills to bear, making it sound as if the singer croaked. Shamed, she runs from the stage, and the managers inform the crowd that Ayame will be taking over the lead role. Before the show can continue, however, the Angel is discovered. Just as the stagehand begins to undo the knots a second noose catches him around the neck and he falls, strangling. The adversary disappears as Shigure runs to meet Ayame.
    
12. Why Have You Brought Me Here
    The two hurry to the roof, that being the only private place left in the building. Ayame panics, thinking the "Angel" he met is responsible for all this, and Shigure tries to calm him, but to no avail.
    Raoul, I've Been There
    In full terror mode, Ayame describes the horror of the Angel's face, and the sadness in his eyes. Once again Shigure tries to calm him.
    
13. All I Ask of You
    Shigure convinces the singer/designer to finish the show, and promises to take him away from the Opera for a while - "after all, I am the patron. That has to be good for something, right?" Ayame goes to change, and Shigure returns to the audience, finding an empty seat as close to the stage as possible. Behind them, the unidentified man steps out of the shadows only feet away from where Ayame was standing. He shouts to the sky and disappears through yet another hidden passage. A few turns bring him out onto the catwalks again. He ignores the Angel - still pinned, silent, to his rafter - and hurries over to the chandelier chain. The Angel's eyes go wide.
    
14. All I Ask of You (Reprise)
    For several minutes, nothing happens; Ayame comes on stage in the Countess' costume, and the man seems fixated on her. The Angel utilizes the time to trace the chandelier chain, and comes to a very unhappy conclusion. Ayame finishes his scene flawlessly and exits the stage. Shigure stands up, staring at the ceiling. The man pulls the pins holding the chain in place, and the chandelier plunges down, its massive weight unseating the chain from its hooks and ripping aside anything in its way. Shigure shouts a warning, and all of the performers manage to leap aside before the chandelier impacts. The theater is thrown into chaos; the audience stampedes out as Shigure leaps onto the now-empty stage. He digs through the rubble and quickly uncovers the Angel. His mask has fallen off and landed several feet away; Shigure doesn't notice, as he is a bit more concerned at the man's unresponsiveness. Quickly he removes the ropes from his neck and wrists and attempts to revive him, but as soon as the bonds are loosed the unidentified man runs up. He and Shigure fight. Temporarily forgotten, the Angel manages to crawl away to the safety of the catacombs. Shigure is overpowered, knocked unconscious, and dragged off the stage.
    

1. Entre'Act
   
2. Masquerade
   Why So Silent
   
3. Notes
   Twisted Every Way
   
4. Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
   
5. Wandering Child
   Bravo, Monsieur
   
6. The Point of No Return
   
7. Down Once More
   Track Down This Murderer
   

--------------------------------------------------------------
The "Angel" arrives as promised, but arrives out of breath and bleeding. He slams the mirror closed behind him and triggers a hidden locking mechanism. Shigure is immediately suspicious, but Ayame starts fussing over the wound - little more than a scratch, but bleeding freely nonetheless. As he cleans the cut the Angel explains that the passageways are no longer safe, and that he can't keep his dinner date as promised. Ayame asks why. "Identity theft." The Angel explains that he has been posing as a "phantom" of the Opera for years, and that he had worked out a deal with the previous owner (whereby, in exchange for patrolling the House at night and keeping the criminal element to a minimum, he recieved a certain stipend each month and a free seat in Box Five to every show); he fully intended to renew the deal with the new owners, once they settled in a bit more firmly, but someone had beaten him to it. A slippery character in a black cloak had taken to skulking through the passages and sending notes in his name. Nasty notes, at that. He explains that because of these notes, the entire House was in an uproar - something about a threat to the prima donna, or some such. Shigure quotes the note as closely as he can, and the Angel nods. "Now, I don't mind seeing that woman brought down a notch or two, but I suspect this...impostor...won't be gentle about it. If there is any way you can get out of that performance, Ayame, please. I don't want you on that stage when he makes his move." "Why?" The Angel sighs, looking depressed and worried. "Because I don't know what exactly he wants with you, but I do know that whatever it is, it won't be good." He explains that this is the man who attacked Ayame the night previously, and attacked the Angel himself only moments ago. Shigure doesn't seem convinced, so he elaborates, detailing the man's initial appearance in Box Five and his actions after the show. Then he tells them about the figure at the park. "In short, Ayame, he's stalking you."
--------------------------------------------------------------

What's on tap?

You Are an Iced Coffee

At your best, you are: hyper, modern, and athletic At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you're out with friends Your caffeine addiction level: medium

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

~~ <'}}}><{{ ~~ }}><{{{'> ~~

So apparently he had a dream about me. We were fishing at the time, which was...unexpected. Symbolic, perhaps? Probably not. But the fact remains. It made me sad, though, when he said that - sad because try as I might, I can't remember if he was in a dream. A specific one. The one with Darcie and the others, where apparently random people were scattered throughout my room and I was sitting on my bed with...someone...next to me. Someone that made me happy. It might have been her. It might have been him, which is more likely. But then - which him? There were at least four at the time. One no longer bothers me, really - the feeling is there, but the possibility is non-existent, so it's a non-issue. One is off-limits, which makes it another non-issue. But the final two. Of course, the first is (a) taken and (b) no longer a part of my life, so I guess it really doesn't matter - but still, in a dream anything can happen. And really, I do think it was him. And really, I don't like that. I wish...well. It doesn't matter what I wish.

On the other hand, I do know of another dream, one that I just remembered and one that still makes me want to cry (in a good way). He was coming down for the weekend. I don't know the occasion, but does that matter? He was coming. HERE. To me. They showed up together, if I remember correctly. Him and her. I miss her, really I do, but I had eyes only for him. So...maybe I'm not as confused as I think I am?

We usually end with "good night" or a variant thereof. Tonight, it was hugs, sweet dreams, and smiles.

Maybe I wasn't wrong after all.

It doesn't feel wrong anymore...

~~ <'}}}><{{ ~~ }}><{{{'> ~~

What Kind of Coffee are You?

You're an Espresso
Take this quiz!








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~~ <'}}}><{{ ~~ }}><{{{'> ~~

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe

But don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites. And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear.

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

~~ <'}}}><{{ ~~ }}><{{{'> ~~

What Kind of Coffee Drink Are You?
Black Coffee - You are bound by tradition and like to stick with what you know

~~ <'}}}><{{ ~~ }}><{{{'> ~~

Brew
Coffee
Tea

Dang, wish I could remember what else I had and what it meant.

~~ <'}}}><{{ ~~ }}><{{{'> ~~